honing into lost loves

penned by Divina Boko

our very first guest article comes from a very dear friend of mine. Divina is an extremely gifted writer & creative, and i’m absolutely thrilled to share her work with you.

this piece is very special to me. i’ve been going through some tough times myself recently, and this piece really resonates with me and where i’m at right now. after all, if it weren’t for the hellish times i’ve been having, i wouldn’t have been inspired to start Chai Collective in the first place. 

happy reading,

Julia

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the months of june and july have been ones filled with new discoveries. after dealing with a mental health crisis, i had to deeply reevaluate the idea of taking things slow. seeing that i am my mother’s daughter, i unfortunately am a workaholic. i tend to fill my days to the brim with activities in order to avoid the looming questions of “who am i?” or “am i really happy with the way my life is going?” 

the problem with avoidance is that you can only ignore something for so long until it makes its presence known. and boy, was it made known to me.

over the years, i've accumulated many "lost loves", skills and hobbies that i've honed in and out of over the years. i used to draw, play music, graphic design, amongst many other things. unfortunately, i've lost touch with a lot of these passions.

after taking a forced vacation, i made a vow to myself that i would aim to break my artist’s block and return back to my written & visual crafts. however, that proved to be easier said than done.

above: one of my graphic design projects

for a while, i was stuck in this weird in-between space of wanting to create but not being able to. to my fellow artists of all variations, you know the feeling. it was this odd seesaw of knowing what i wanted to do, but i just couldn’t bring myself to try. soon enough, the things that once interested me —fashion, art, graphic design– all turned benign. 

the things that i’m most passionate about, things that used to make me want to jump out of my skin with excitement suddenly became a chore. even engaging with other people who participate in them became tiring. i never said it, but i secretly wondered if the direction my life was going in was even the right move. if it was so easy for me to fall out of love with these things during my college years –when life hasn't even reached its peak difficulty yet– how would i survive in the real world?

after sitting and contemplating for some time, i decided i’d reach out for help. 

while doom scrolling on my Instagram feed, i saw Doechii talking about how she started taking her music journey seriously with the help of a book called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron, a 12-week program to help people re-connect with their creativity. after Doechii’s endorsement, many netizens started hopping on the trend and ran to get their own copy. some even opted to make a quick buck for themselves and started selling their own PDF copies of the book at a cheaper price. is that even legal??

i noticed this and my immediate thought was, “girl, fuck that.”

i was not buying this book just cause a celebrity (one that i happen to enjoy by the way) said i should. maybe that was me saying “fuck off capitalism” or just saying no to hopping on trends that i don’t resonate with, but nonetheless, i remained firm in my decision.

that was, until the hype around the book died down and my uneasiness only grew tenfold. eventually, a girl caved to the pressure and snagged herself a copy. with the help of Amazon day, i was able to get a copy for $9 as opposed to its original $30 price tag. 

i’ll be honest. when i bought the book, i didn’t know what i was getting myself into. how can a book appeal to such a wide demographic? be that as it may, i still opened the book –and my heart– and dove right in.

before i get any further, note that i’m only two weeks post-purchase and i’ve already had to repeat the second week twice due to my busy school schedule. prior to starting this journey, i would’ve beaten myself up for that. my mind would be punctured by the self-inflicted wounds from my harsh self-talk. but now, not only am i alright with the pace of my journey, i’m proud of myself for still continuing it.

i realized that the reason i couldn’t get myself out of this rut was because somewhere along the way, i became afraid. everyone’s fears are different, but my fear was that my abilities weren’t spectacular. i feared that nothing i produced was worth reading and soon enough, that leaked into other avenues of my work. 

i had to delve deeper to understand where those fears came from, and when i finally allowed myself to feel all of those emotions and really process them, the feelings of hurt washed over me. luckily, i was able to replace them with words and affirmations that healed them.

for example, instead of thinking, “this is a waste of time”, i changed my thoughts to “all my creations are a result of the universe’s blessings and i have to be little bit more grateful for them”. 

at first, it felt cringey and embarrassing. i mean, i grew up in a period where self-deprecating jokes were celebrated. so to have to try and rewire my brain to say something nice about myself (and genuinely mean it) was way out of my comfort zone.

over time though, the process started feeling like second nature. i couldn’t even go without scribbling “i, divina, am a brilliant and prolific writer, graphic designer, and merchandiser” somewhere on a scrap piece of paper. i would be lying if i said my confidence has skyrocketed, but that doesn’t mean i haven’t seen any changes within myself.

i forgot that one of my goals that i made for myself this year was learning how to draw. for a month or two, i was on a roll! then. . . nothing. 

a couple of days ago, i picked up a pencil and started drawing again. it wasn’t pretty at all, but i was ok with that.

above: some of my drawings over the past year

within this process, i’ve started letting go of the need to be perfect right off the bat. i realized that when i started this art journey, i liked flipping through the pages of my past work and seeing my progression. 

in addition to learning how to draw, i also rediscovered my love for music. i studied music from 4th grade all the way through my senior year of high school. i played violin, sang in choir, and played a bit of ukulele and guitar. i even performed at Carnegie Hall a few times. music wasn’t just something i took seriously, it was my safe haven. all of my friends were in the arts as well so it was a way for me to connect with my community. when i started college, i thought i’d be able to continue this path. unfortunately, i just didn’t gel well with the music department at Drexel. eventually, that dream died, and so did my interest in music.

above: some pictures from my days performing at at Carnegie Hall.

recently, i went through my voicememos and came across one of my performances. not only did i listen and sing along, but a feeling of warmth and nostalgia filled my chest. although i don’t think i’ll be back on my music grind any time soon, i think i will go back to learning classical pieces and black spirituals just for fun.

i’ve had to restart “The Artist’s Way” a few times and i’ve re-embarked on many of my creative journeys. only now, instead of thinking about how many steps i have to climb all over again, i think about how lucky i am that i get to re-learn and practice so many of my favorite things. It’s like watching your favorite movie multiple times. the love you have for it never changes, but you grow to appreciate more every time you watch.

i choose to share my experiences with you because part of your artist block may come from fear like mine did. it’s unrealistic for me to tell you, “don’t be afraid!” you’re only human and it’s only natural to feel a certain level of imposter syndrome every once in a while. but being fearful doesn’t have to stop you from being brave. take that step and conquer your fear of not being great. take that step to make something just darn right hideous.

it’s all part of honing into those lost loves.